New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
