I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
