you guys were way drunker than both of me
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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