Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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