took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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