Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
