We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
