we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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