she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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