last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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