I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
