I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
