i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
