Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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