"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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