my soul wont recognize me after tonight
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
