You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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