I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
