he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
