We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
