Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
