It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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