He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
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