Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
