I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
