oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
