How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
