I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my being single is dangerous.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
