I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
