allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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