I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
