somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
