Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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