Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
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Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
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you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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