making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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