Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
