i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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