I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
