just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
