My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
