I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
birth control should be required to get into college
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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