i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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