guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
