I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
