I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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