all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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