Old men and throwing up are my life now.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
