our cab driver is having phone sex.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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