i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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