i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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