paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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