My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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