Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
