i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
