and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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