Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
