Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
