I just threw up on my dentist
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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